RJ : So anyway, Elan Morin, the disgruntled hunchback from the Comelle Circus swears to the Giant Marshmallow…
Editor : We need to work on some of this.
RJ : Well the hunchback thing is to bridge the gap between the perfect hero and the disfigured anti-hero.
Editor : I don’t think it will work.
RJ : Fine, let’s have your ideas.
Editor : Well, he must be a normal guy. Make him special though. Powerful. Flaming eyes or something.
RJ : Flaming eyes? No one will like that.
Editor : Just do it. And the Giant Marshmallow?
RJ : I wanted to bridge the gap…
Editor : Just change it. Master of Evil. King of Chaos. Something like that.
RJ : But that’s so…
Editor : Just do it.
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Rand had only the briefest warning before the balefire came firing through the wall. Throwing himself down, he cried out. He was an instant too late. The balefire hit his leg and he disintegrated with a terrible scream. “I won!” screamed Rahvin, more surprised than anything else.
RJ : Mrr…
RJ : … I don’t see this working. I’m sure it says somewhere in my contract that good has to win, and Rand just got laid… no I need to change this. But how….
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And so after channeling for seventy hours, Rand released the Choedan Kal and collapsed. Staring into the snow he shook his head in dismay, tears falling down his cheeks. Nynaeve was crying, and Rand thought Cadsuane and Narishma were close too. “It’s still so filthy,” Narishma muttered and then wiped his eyes. “I know,” Rand said and his voice broke. The Cleansing plan had been idiotic. It had not worked.
Editor : I have to say, Robert, I am disappointed.
RJ : Great! That’s what I was going for, see? Disappointment. It’s rare in fantasy.
Editor : And for a good reason. The whole book was a build up to this.
RJ : And the disappointment was colossal. Huge!
Editor : Just..
RJ : .. change it. Yes, I know. Nazi.
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… and with the a’dam around her neck she was dragged away screaming. Screaming as if the pain would never end. Min shed a tear, and Nynaeve came close.
Editor : And?
RJ : And what?
Editor : When does Egwene resurface?
RJ : Never. She is taken away as a damane. Life isn’t roses and daffodils you know.
Editor : That character has potential.
RJ : Well I did have an idea to bring her back as a well trained and powerful damane – called Weenie. She fights with the Seanchan when Rand uses Callandor against them.
Editor : Too dramatic. Make her into a serious character.
RJ : But…
Editor : Do you want royalties or not?
RJ : Is that a trick question?
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Editors : I’ve noticed that Rand has two girlfriends.
RJ : Yes I wanted to go for something different.
Editor : I’ve received complaints from religious editing factions saying that it promotes bigamy to unsuspecting minds.
RJ : Well, I …
Editor : The solution is not as bad as it seems. I’m not asking for you to kill off Elayne – though…
RJ : Get on with it.
Editor : We will not bow to the demands of these fanatical swines. Thus we much chase them away thoroughly. You must add a third girlfriend.
RJ : Three?! He’s only one man.
Editor : The ultimate man. Make him better too… make him strong and tall blah blah blah… explain the situation away.
RJ : I have just the woman to add.
Editor : Someone useless. Thoroughly useless. Just to add to the number count. A non-entity.
RJ : You read my mind.
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And then the women were like “No” and Lews Therin was like “Yes” and Latra Posae was like “No” and Lews Therin was like…
Editor : Robert, get over here, we need to have a serious chat.
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Editor : We need to work on your fantasy terminology.
RJ : Such as?
Editor : Such as ahem… The cowpigs descended in vast numbers…
RJ : What?
Editor : cowpigs
RJ : They are the military might of the shadowprawns.
Editor : This really needs to change, Robert. Look at this passage. “Baghwat drew on saidar as hard as she could. Her horse, Jupila’ti’mi’pupa, reared its reigns but she stilled it. They had to ride out before the Seanchan landed. If they brought anymore of those petladies with who used the Power as a weapon, she would have problems”.
RJ : What?
Editor : You need a better name for the female Aes Sedai hero than Baghwat. Also, I’m all for fantasy names, but that horse’s name appears several times per chapter. It’s just torture. Petladies… find a better name. Need I go on?
RJ : No.
Editor : Don’t sulk.
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And Lanfear stood on the wagon blazing with the Power, channeling every scrap of saidar she could through the female Choedan Kal. Never before had so much saidar been wielded. Rand laughed, and after shielding her with his powers, cut off her head with a blade of Air.
Sidious : This… is… bulllllll..... shit. Change it now or die.
RJ : Okay.
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The White Tower is a bastion of female…
Cannoli : Women? Women! I’m not here to read about women with power.
RJ : But…
Cannoli : Change it now.
RJ : Uh… screw you.
Cannoli :
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